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Summary
Summary
Unhappiness, says bestselling author Harriet Lerner, is fueled by three key emotions: anxiety, fear, and shame. They are the uninvited guests in our lives. When tragedy or hardship hits, they may become our constant companions.
Anxiety can wash over us like a tidal wave or operate as a silent thrum under the surface of our daily lives. With stories that are sometimes hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking, Lerner takes us from "fear lite" to the most difficult lessons the universe sends us. We learn:
how a man was "cured in a day" of the fear of rejection -- and what we can learn from his story how the author overcame her dread of public speaking when her worst fears were realized how to deal with the fear of not being good enough, and with the shame of feeling essentially flawed and inadequate how to stay calm and clear in an anxious, crazy workplace how to manage fear and despair when life sends a crash course in illness, vulnerability, and loss how "positive thinking" helps -- and harms how to be our best and bravest selves, even when we are terrified and have internalized the shaming messages of othersNo one signs up for anxiety, fear, and shame, but we can't avoid them either. As we learn to respond to these three key emotions in new ways, we can live more fully in the present and move into the future with courage, clarity, humor, and hope. Fear and Other Uninvited Guests shows us how.
Author Notes
Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation's most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades
Reviews (2)
Publisher's Weekly Review
?No one is immune to the grip of anxiety, fear and shame?the ?big three? that muck up our lives,? observes Lerner (The Dance of Deception; The Dance of Anger). But such emotions shouldn?t be crippling, she says. Instead, the psychologist and relationship expert suggests studying the pros and cons of these inevitable feelings. For example, anxiety over hurting a friend?s feelings can keep us from bluntly offering unsolicited advice, or, at the other extreme, keep us from speaking up about something we feel passionate about. In conversational and often witty prose, amply dotted with personal anecdotes, Lerner advises readers how to achieve a balance between healthy and life-consuming fears over rejection, public speaking, body image and physical suffering, among others. In a chapter devoted entirely to ?Your Anxious Workplace,? the author shares her pain on discovering that her co-workers considered her a ?problem??her personnel file was fat with complaints about her attitude toward paperwork and tense relationship with other psychologists. Breaking down the office ?system,? she realized that she was an ?underfunctioning? part, adding stress and creating opportunities for ?overfunctioning? staff to both save and resent her. To confront fears, Lerner suggests stepping back and taking responsibility, thoughtfully considering the issue and engaging rather than disconnecting with the surrounding world. Readers looking for a ?quick fix? will not find it here (Lerner purposely sidesteps any oversimplified solutions to conquering fear); rather, they will find a mindful and highly readable meditation. Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.
Library Journal Review
All of these books deal with that primal four-letter word, fear. Journalist Clarkson (Intelligent Fear: How To Make Fear Work for You) recognizes that emotion is essential to our survival instincts, but he also knows it can get out of hand. His cogent and convincing book presents balanced, reasonable advice for coping with 100 fears, from general stresses like romantic tiffs to specific phobias such as anthrophobia. Though Clarkson acknowledges that medical attention may be required for certain conditions like acute anxiety, he believes that much fear is either a throwback to caveman times or is learned from "things that have hurt or shaken" us; therefore, they can be conquered. Fears are topically arranged (e.g., at work, at school), each receiving a two-page discussion that includes coping strategies and tactics. Clear writing, solid references, and an attractive price make this a real bargain. (Index not seen.) Plonka, who conducts classes in the Feldenkrais Method (which uses body movement to improve self-awareness), notes that fears often fuel people's direction in life, so that they only do something "when the payoff is more valuable than comfort." Though her individual concepts are promising (e.g., we are all, to some extent, addicted to fear), her narrative as a whole is disjointed and lacks momentum. The result is an often senseless jumble: interesting mind/body exercises fail to relate back to larger concepts. One such drill pinpoints tension, then vaguely directs readers to "let that part go." Psychologist Lerner (The Dance of Anger) shrewdly characterizes fear, anxiety, and shame-termed the big three-as ubiquitous and permanent; instead of trying to make them go away, we need to embrace them warily as potentially wise guides. With characteristic intimacy, Lerner encourages a dialog of sorts with frequent, effective questions and anecdotes, filling the book with superb insights (e.g., "Women have long been shamed for growing older"). Given Lerner's reasonable approach-and the connection she fosters and sustains with readers-it is easy to forget that she offers little how-to. Instead, she illuminates the big three's impact on important areas of life like change, sex drive, rejection, and illness. [Previewed in Prepub Alert, LJ 1/03.] Although breezy and readable, the text by therapist Webb (It's Not About the Horse: It's About Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt) relies too much on pointless, albeit heartfelt, anecdotes about conquering his own demons (i.e., a cycle of vulnerability, pain, shame, and rage) by climbing a 30-foot pole. His revelations are just too personal; he fails to explain what he has learned, which leaves readers in the dark about how to handle their own fears and makes the author appear self-congratulatory. Worse, there's not enough method to salvage the remaining material. Webb's titular five steps-e.g., acknowledge fear and self-doubt, imagine the worst-case scenario-would have been better presented in a series of articles. Pass on both Plonka's and Webb's books; instead, libraries can safely rely on Spencer Johnson's Who Moved My Cheese? and Steven Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Clarkson is recommended for most public libraries. Demand will be deservedly high for Lerner, given her high media profile, so heads up, public libraries. (c) Copyright 2010. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.
Excerpts
Excerpts
Fear and Other Uninvited Guests Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving Chapter One Why Can't a Person Be More Like a Cat? "Fear stops me from doing so many things," a neighbor confided when I mentioned the subject of this book. Then, without further ado, she launched into a description of her coworker Carmen, a woman who exuded such a deep sense of calm, joy, and peacefulness that everyone wanted to be around her. "Carmen never feels fear or other negative emotions. She's always in the flow of the present moment. She really lives each day to the fullest." My neighbor paused to catch her breath, then exclaimed: "I would do anything to be like Carmen!" She spoke so earnestly, her voice ringing with italics, that I restrained myself from suggesting that maybe Carmen had multiple personalities and that one of her alters might be sitting mute in some corner having wall-to-wall panic attacks. But I did tell her this: The only being I have ever known who was entirely free of fear and always "in the flow" was my cat, Felix. When Felix was alive, I aspired to be like him, much as my neighbor aspired to be like Carmen. I could relate. Felix, My Role Model Felix was my little Buddhist, my role model for mindful living. He demonstrated a healthy fight-or-flight response when threatened, but he only felt fear when fear was due. He became anxious and agitated when forced into a carrying cage, because he knew very well it meant a car ride to the vet. But he didn't let fear, worry, and rumination spoil an otherwise perfectly good day. By contrast, I recall my own human experience anticipating my first allergy shot as a child. For a good week before the actual appointment, I freaked myself out with fearful imaginings, all of them having to do with long needles and terrible pain. My mother, who had certain Key Phrases to Live By, informed me that "a coward dies a thousand deaths; a brave man dies but once." She learned this aphorism from her younger brother when he went off to fight in World War II. I personally found no comfort in her words. What sense did they make to a nine-year-old? I wasn't brave, I wasn't a man, and why was my mother bringing death into the conversation? When I was older and had developed the capacity for abstract thinking, I understood the lesson she was trying to convey. In essence, my mother was encouraging me to be more like Felix. Felix lived in the moment. When he played, he played. When he ate, he ate. When he had sex, he had sex, utterly unencumbered by fear, shame, or guilt. Once "fixed" (the downside of being a pet), he settled immediately into a perfect acceptance of his situation. "Wherever you go, there you are," was the motto I believe he lived by. This capacity to inhabit the moment granted Felix a kind of profound self-acceptance. When he licked his fur, he didn't worry about whether he was doing the job well enough, or whether he was taking too long to lick down all his hair, or whether certain of his body parts weren't all that attractive and perhaps shouldn't be displayed to my dinner guests. Nor did he dissipate his energy with anxious thoughts such as: "What's wrong with me that I don't make more fruitful and creative use of my time?" Because Felix didn't live a fear-driven life, he was able to operate from his essential Felixness. When he wanted connection, he would jump on my lap without stopping to wonder whether I might find him too needy and dependent (especially for a cat). With equal aplomb, he would jump off my lap and saunter out of the room when he felt like it, never worrying that I might take his departure personally and feel really hurt. I could go on, but you get the picture. A sociobiologist friend tells me that I have an idealized notion of Felix's inner emotional and spiritual life, but I disagree. I'm not saying that all cats are like Felix. I've seen my share of traumatized felines who cower or scratch when strangers approach. But I observed Felix almost daily for more than ten years before he keeled over dead one afternoon on our back porch. I'm convinced that it simply wasn't in his nature to get bogged down in fear and shame. Face It, You're Human Of course, Felix didn't have it all. If he missed out on the miseries of being human, he also missed out on some uniquely human pleasures, from reading a riveting novel to falling in love. One might debate whether it is preferable to be a cat or a person, but why get into it? If you are reading this now, you are not a cat and never will be. So along with the good days, you're going to experience the entire range of painful emotions that make us human. This means that you'll wake up at three in the morning searching your breasts for lumps. You'll worry that your daughter has dropped out of her drug treatment program (again), that your partner is getting bored with you, that you'll end up a bag lady if you leave your job, that your memory is getting more porous with each passing day, and that possibly you're going crazy. You can make your own list. No one is immune to the grip of anxiety, fear, and shame -- the "big three" that muck up our lives. These are the uninvited guests. When tragedy or hardship hits, they may become our constant companions. SIX EASY STEPS TO CONQUERING FEAR AND ACHIEVING BLISS? I bristle at feverishly inspirational books that make large and silly promises. Break free from fear and you'll soar like an eagle, reverse the aging process, and attract a bevy of wildly sexy and appreciative lovers. I recently eyeballed a new self-help guide that states: "Bliss is available to anyone at any time, no matter how difficult life may be." When I read such statements, I am prone to entertaining mean-spirited thoughts, such as hoping that the author is dealt some unfathomable loss that will serve as a test case of his or her bliss theory. Since I am really a very nice person, these are but passing uncharitable fantasies. Still, I believe it is arrogant and deeply dishonest to tell people that they can transform their own reality, no matter how dreadful their circumstances, with the acquisition of a few new skills and a brighter attitude ... Fear and Other Uninvited Guests Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving . Copyright © by Harriet Lerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold. Excerpted from Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving by Harriet Lerner All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments | p. xi |
Chapter 1 Why Can't a Person Be More Like a Cat? | p. 1 |
Chapter 2 The Fear of Rejection: A One-Day Cure | p. 14 |
Chapter 3 Terrified? You Have to Keep Showing Up! | p. 27 |
Chapter 4 In Praise of Anxiety: How Fear and Trembling Keep You Safe | p. 39 |
Chapter 5 The Trouble with Anxiety: How It Wreaks Havoc on Your Brain and Self-Esteem | p. 53 |
Chapter 6 Why We Fear Change | p. 73 |
Chapter 7 Your Anxious Workplace: Staying Calm and Clearheaded in a Crazy Environment | p. 92 |
Chapter 8 The Secret Power of Shame | p. 117 |
Chapter 9 The Fear of the Mirror: Anxiety and Shame About Your Looks--and Being Looked At | p. 141 |
Chapter 10 When Things Fall Apart: Facing Illness and Suffering | p. 171 |
Chapter 11 Courage in the Face of Fear | p. 196 |
Epilogue: Everyone Freaks Out | p. 221 |
Notes | p. 225 |
Index | p. 231 |