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Summary
Summary
Is it possible to find love again after a breakup, death, or divorce?
The end of a relationship can sometimes feel like the end of the world. Devastation, loneliness, and bitterness are some emotions that exist due to a breakup, divorce, or the loss of a loved one. But with the help of this compassionate guide, Dr. John Gray expresses that you will survive and tells you how to find love again.
While the process of healing is similar with both sexes, there are distinct differences between the ways men and women heal their bruised hearts. In Mars and Venus Starting Over, Dr. Gray offers gender-specific advice on how to:
Deal with pain Find forgiveness Discover the strength to let go Rebuild confidence Rise to the challenge of finding fulfillment againFilled with gentle guidance, healing practices, and compassionate wisdom, Mars and Venus Starting Over will help men and women explore the meaning of loss, find their way through the healing process, and discover the secret to moving on.
Author Notes
Author of the best selling Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992) and its sequels, John Gray is a frequent guest on popular talk and news programs on both radio and television and teaches seminars on relationships and communication. He has written over fifteen books including Why Mars and Venus Collide. His books have been translated into 45 languages.
He lived as a monk for nine years, receiving his bachelors and masters degrees in Creative Intelligence from Maharishi European Research University. He received his Ph.D. in psychology from Columbia Pacific University and is a Certified Family Therapist. He is also a consulting editor of The Family Journal. In 2001, he received the Smart Marriages Impact Award.
(Bowker Author Biography)
Excerpts
Excerpts
Mars and Venus Starting Over Chapter One Mars and Venus Starting Over When single again, men and women face different challenges. Just as we think, feel, and communicate differently, we also respond differently to the loss of love. During a crisis of the heart, a woman's instinctive and automatic reactions are not the same as a man's. Her issues are different as well as her mistakes. What is good for her is not necessarily good for him. In a variety of ways, their needs are worlds apart. It is as if men were from Mars and women were from Venus. Although we cope differently, both men and women can experience equally agonizing feelings. Starting over after a divorce, a painful breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the most challenging experience of a lifetime. For most people devastated by the loss of love, it is beyond anything we could have expected, predicted, or imagined. Starting over after a divorce, a painful breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the most challenging experience of a lifetime. Our hearts ache as they cry out in loneliness and confusion. We are stunned by our helplessness. We fight inside with our inability to change what has happened. We become distraught as we sink into the depths of despair and hopelessness. We feel lost and abandoned in a sea of emptiness and darkness. Time slows down and the passing of each moment seems like eternity. After a loss, we fight inside ourselves with our inability to change what has happened. It is a struggle simply to fill each empty moment and get through the day. At times the bittersweet pain of loss is replaced by a dull numbness, but then something reminds us of our loss, and once again we long to feel and love again. Never before have we experienced our need for love and connection so agonizingly. As we are forced to face and feel the raw pain in our hearts, we realize our lives will never again be the same. Eventually, when the healing process is complete, we fully let go. In our minds and hearts, we surrender and accept that we can't change what has happened. Being single again, we start to rebuild our lives. Once more, we begin to reach out to give and receive love. Although we could not have imagined it, our lives come back to a sense of normalcy. After the darkness of despair, the warm, comforting, and soothing sunshine of love reveals itself once again. Although this happy ending is possible, it is not guaranteed. Understanding the Healing Process To heal a broken heart, we must be able to complete the healing process.This requires new insight and understanding, but most people are not aware of what is necessary. We are not taught how to heal a broken heart in school,nor is it something with which we have a lot of practice. Being in the dark and vulnerable, we either blindly follow the advice of friends and family, or we simply follow our own instincts. We make decisions and choices that may sound reasonable but quite often are counterproductive. Though we find temporary relief, in the long run we do not nurture or complete the healing process. We are not taught how to heal a broken heart in school. After the loss of love, some people do thrive again. Many are not so successful. After spiraling down to the depths of despair, they never make it out to the other side. To various degrees and in different ways, they continue to suffer their loss. Aware of the pain of losing love, they hold back from fully opening their hearts again. Others, who appear to have let go, sometimes really haven't. They believe they have successfully moved on, but have done so at the cost of closing the door to their hearts. To avoid feeling their pain, they have moved on too quickly. As a result they have numbed their ability to fully feel. Without realizing it or recognizing how they did it, they have closed up. They carry on in their lives unable to feel the love in their hearts. Their ability to grow in love and happiness is stunted. Becoming single again is definitely a crisis. Like any crisis, it is a time of danger and a time of opportunity. The opportunity is the possibility of healing and strengthening your heart and mind so that you will move on healthy and whole. The danger is that you do not complete the healing process. Time alone does not heal all wounds. How we cope with the loss of love determines the rest of our lives. How the Heart Heals To ensure that we complete the healing process, it is important that we understand the basics of how the heart heals. This process is most easily understood and visualized by considering how a broken bone heals. An emotional wound is abstract, but a broken bone is very tangible and concrete. Recognizing the various steps in healing a broken bone can assist us in acknowledging and respecting the needs of our broken heart. When a bone breaks, our body already contains the natural healing power to correct the problem. It hurts, but eventually the pain goes away. As long as we don't interfere, the body heals itself automatically, in a predictable time period. When this automatic healing process is allowed and nurtured, the bone will actually grow back stronger than before. In a similar way, if you are able to nurture the healing of a broken heart, it also will grow back stronger. The pain and despair will pass, and you will find love and joy again. When a broken heart heals it actually grows back stronger. When a bone is broken, it must be reset and then be protected in a cast to allow the body's automatic and natural healing processes to occur. If the bone is not reset straight, then... Mars and Venus Starting Over . Copyright © by John Gray. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold. Excerpted from Mars and Venus Starting Over by John Gray All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments | p. xi |
Introduction | p. xiii |
Part 1 Mars and Venus Starting Over | p. 1 |
1 Mars and Venus Starting Over | p. 3 |
2 Why Does It Hurt So Much? | p. 13 |
3 Emotional Lag Time | p. 23 |
4 Grieving the Loss of Love | p. 38 |
5 Getting Unstuck | p. 46 |
6 Good Endings Make Good Beginnings | p. 62 |
7 The Feeling Better Exercise | p. 77 |
8 Finding Forgiveness | p. 88 |
9 Saying Good-bye with Love | p. 96 |
10 Letting Go of Hurt | p. 123 |
11 The 90-10 Principle | p. 134 |
12 Processing Our Hot Spots | p. 145 |
13 Always Remember the Love | p. 174 |
14 101 Ways to Heal Our Hearts | p. 190 |
Part 2 Starting Over on Venus | p. 207 |
1 Carrying a Big List | p. 209 |
2 The New Pressures of Dating | p. 214 |
3 Date Around, but Don't Sleep Around | p. 216 |
4 Glorifying Our Past | p. 220 |
5 Staying Stuck in Grief | p. 222 |
6 The Betrayal of Loving Again | p. 224 |
7 Sex and Self-Esteem | p. 227 |
8 Sex, Obligation, and Self-Worth | p. 229 |
9 Expecting the Earth to Shake | p. 234 |
10 The Movies vs. Real Life | p. 237 |
11 Attracting the Wrong Partner | p. 239 |
12 Overromanticizing | p. 241 |
13 Woman Seeking Sensitive Man | p. 244 |
14 Focusing on the Negative | p. 248 |
15 Who Needs a Man? | p. 251 |
16 Women Who Do Too Much | p. 256 |
17 Taking Care of Others | p. 264 |
18 A Woman's Fear of Intimacy | p. 267 |
19 My Children Need Me | p. 269 |
20 But My Children Are Jealous | p. 275 |
21 Acting Out Feelings Rather than Communicating | p. 281 |
22 Learning to Be Happy Alone | p. 288 |
23 All or Nothing | p. 293 |
Part 3 Starting Over on Mars | p. 303 |
1 Man on the Rebound | p. 305 |
2 Sex on the Rebound | p. 311 |
3 Positive Addictions | p. 314 |
4 Work, Money, and Love | p. 317 |
5 Love Is Not Enough | p. 321 |
6 Learning from Our Mistakes | p. 325 |
7 We Don't Have to Stop Loving | p. 327 |
8 Unrequited Love | p. 328 |
9 Taking Responsibility to Let Go | p. 331 |
10 Soul Mates Are Not Perfect | p. 336 |
11 Being in a Hurry | p. 339 |
12 Recognizing a Soul Mate | p. 341 |
13 Living Out Our Fantasies | p. 343 |
14 Can't Live With Them and Can't Live Without Them | p. 346 |
15 The Endless Search | p. 349 |
16 Holding Back | p. 353 |
17 Being vs. Doing | p. 356 |
18 Bigger Is Better | p. 359 |
19 Finding Balance | p. 363 |
20 Picking the Right Woman | p. 369 |
21 Learning to Say Good-bye | p. 373 |
22 Self-Destructive Tendencies | p. 378 |
23 Finding the Power to Provide | p. 388 |
Afterword | p. 397 |