Excerpts

1 What to Expect When You're Not Expecting Well, I'm dead. Now what? Surely this has to be the worst of it, right? Wrong. When we bow out, our bodies experience a series of changes, think of it like a second puberty, or menopause . . . except a helluva lot hotter, depending on your belief system. Speaking of, the one thing we can all agree on as humans is that we have no definitive answers about what happens when we bite the dust. We might cross over to another plane, become reincarnated, or fade into the abyss; regardless, physically, our bodies are left here on earth to wreak havoc-no, literally, sometimes they reek. Before we get into the physical-let's pause for a second to discuss this not-so-fun fact. Apparently scientists and doctors alike are discovering our brains are thought to continue working for ten minutes or so after we die, meaning our brains may in some way be aware of our death. In 2017 a team of Canadian doctors published a paper in the Canadian Journal of Neurological Sciences documenting a case of a terminal patient who had been removed from life support and continued to experience ten minutes of brain activity before officially being considered clinically dead! That's something to think about . . . or not. Fast-forward from there and we go through a stage referred to as Fresh. Real creative, right? Well, it is accurate. During this stage the muscles relax. This is also called primary flaccidity. Eyelids lose their tension, pupils dilate, and the jaw may or may not fall open. At this point the body's joints and limbs are still flexible. Due to the loss of tension in the muscles, the skin may sag, causing bones to appear to be sticking out a little bit. Yes, baby, show off those collarbones, now is the time. This is also when the tone of the sphincter diminishes and you will likely shit yourself, we hope there's no hot paramedic serving witness. After the heart stops beating, something called pallor mortis occurs, which causes the body to lose its color, so make sure you spray-tan extra well every day just, you know, in case. The body will then start cooling off, going into algor mortis, also known as the death chill, typically declining 1.5 degrees per hour. Between the second and sixth hour, the blood begins to pool at its lowest points as the heart is no longer pump-pump-pumping away. This is called livor mortis-but, baby, ain't nobody liv-ing here, heh? HEH? This is when the not so elusive death erection would occur. What is a death erection? So glad you asked. . . . The long and the short of it is that when someone is hanged, for example, the blood starts to pool in the lower half of the body, which causes an erection once it reaches the penis's erectile tissue. This doesn't always happen every time, it can be blocked by things like blood clots or body position. Basically the body needs to stay vertical in order for the penis to stay erect. And it's not always people who were executed, of course, though it's usually provoked by traumatic deaths. We read somewhere that sometimes after an act of vengeance against an enemy, people would cut off the erections of the enemy they killed and keep it as a trophy, which leads us to . . . the Viktor Wynd Museum of Curiosities, Fine Art & Natural History in Hackney, London, actually had a death erection on display from 2017 to 2018. The boner belonged to a man who had been executed and was titled "The World's Longest Standing Erection." We've seen pictures, and we absolutely will not and cannot publish them here, but just trust us-it's out there. Boners aside, if the body remains undisturbed long enough (several hours), the parts of the body nearest the ground can develop a reddish-purple discoloration resembling a bruise from the accumulating blood. Embalmers sometimes refer to this as the "postmortem stain." We've all heard about rigor mortis. That's just the beginning. In case you haven't heard of rigor mortis (you're new to this school, I guess?), it's basically your body's way of saying, Nobody wake me up. Your muscles stiffen up, making you about as flexible as a tree. Maximum stiffness will occur throughout the entire body after roughly about twelve hours. After the twelfth hour the body goes into a second flaccidity. This happens over a period of around three days but is very different based on several factors: predominately the climate in which the body resides. The muscles loosen as internal tissue begins to decay, the skin starts to shrink. That's when hair and nails appear to grow, which isn't really true. Yes, unfortunately lying dead in your casket is not the prime opportunity to test out how you'd look with a mustache. Once we pass, our bodies stop producing cells necessary to supply glucose, a necessity for both hair and nail growth. Our skin begins to dry out, and in doing so, it can absolutely make it appear as if our fingernails and hair, particularly facial, is growing, however we're actually just shrinking around it! To summarize the Fresh stage, we get cold, hard, bruised, and bonered. Moving along, we have a gnarly phase called Bloat, beginning three to five days after death. This is when microorganisms inside the gut start letting loose and munching down on the tissues. It's during this process that causes gases to excrete, which then makes the torso and the limbs bloat, producing foul odors. This is when the skin starts to slip, oh, and the liquids begin releasing something called "purge fluid" (which, side note: would be a good band name) from the nose and mouth. Around days eight to ten comes Active Decay. This is the stage where tissues begin to liquefy and the skin begins to darken. The body becomes a bug buffet for flies, maggots, and other creepy-crawlies to lay eggs or feast. Maggots can detect a decaying corpse very early on; the size and development stage of maggots can be used to give a measure of the minimum time since death-super important when it relates to victims of homicide. Next we have Advanced Decay. Here the remains go through putrefaction, essentially a decomposition disco, where bacteria and enzymes throw a wild party and the tissues and cells break down and liquefy. The final stage is called Dry, naturally. After bloating, the soft tissue will start to collapse on itself and then dry out and begin to skeletonize. Which, who knew there was a verb for becoming a skeleton-love it! In a temperate climate, it usually requires three weeks to several years for a body to completely decompose into a skeleton, depending on factors such as temperature, humidity, presence of insects, and submergence in a substrate such as water. Also going on at the same time . . . the smell. We've all heard that death has a super distinct smell . . . one that some say you will never ever forget. Scientists have said odor mortis is an important component of the death process, because in nature it's both an attractant to insects, rodents, reptiles, and mammals, and a repellent to warn of meat spoilage. The very thought of the odor of death is puke inducing, but it does have benefits, especially in the forensic community. What's crazy about scent is that it doesn't come in waves like our sense of sound or light; instead it comes in molecules that are diffused through the air and reach your nose. Their movement is random, and they just bounce off each other until they fill a space. So the molecules go into your physical body and fit into certain receptors in your brain, and they trigger a smell. It's possible-again, according to scientists-our brain has specific death-smell receptors. Which to us makes sense because we have always heard that the smell of death is recognizable even if you've never smelled it before; it's like an innate sense of that's something DEAD! However, smell is pretty subjective to everyone . . . so your death smell and my death smell may smell way different. It turns out the same chemicals (lysine and ornithine, if you want to get really into it) that cause the scent of a decaying body to attract and repulse also contribute to bad breath and semen. We'll just leave that right there. For the Dateline junkies out there, you're probably familiar with young mother Casey Anthony, who was accused of murdering her two-year-old daughter. There was quite the controversy over whether the judge would allow a sample of air, collected from the trunk of Casey's car, to be presented as evidence of the "smell of death." In Casey's father's testimony, he said that he was concerned about the odor coming from her car. He had smelled that same smell a few years prior, and it was that of a decomposing body. The supervisor from the tow yard who kept her car also testified saying that it smelled "like a dead body." Is the smell a biological response? An innate aversion we as humans have? Or is it something we've learned about through movies and books, where the odor is already in our minds? People say the scent notes of death have elements of an earthy musk yet they are simply putrid, strong and intense. It's been said that it is difficult to tolerate because of how overpowering and unpleasant it is. Can we just stop here? Yes? Okay, end scene. So, to summarize-we're dead, decomposed; we stink. Now what? Rewind back to when you were alive. What did you want to do with your body once you were dead? It's a common question with a typically common answer: either cremation or burial. Those are my choices, right? So wrong! Dare we even say . . . dead wrong? Too much? There's a plethora of ways to peace out, starting with but not limited to alkaline hydrolysis (dissolving in water); donating your parts to a body farm; eco-friendly burials, such as being buried in a mushroom suit, which, fun fact, was chosen by actor Luke Perry; cryonics (freezing your whole body-or even just your head!-until science enables us to bring you back to life); and then there's getting turned into a diamond, ink, paint, a firework, a coral reef, or a sculpture. There's even a place that will preserve your tattoos as art for your loved ones to adorn the walls. Yeah, we've heard a lot of stuff, and that's the one that makes our skin crawl. And that's saying a lot. The fascinating and sometimes wild ways people want to go out is one we are experts on. When it comes to what happens to your body postmortem, you've got options. Lots of 'em. Let's begin with the obvious go-tos before getting into the really weird stuff. Embalming: This classic choice involves injecting chemicals (like formaldehyde) into the body to slow down decomposition. It's like giving your body a pickling treatment, keeping it looking presentable for viewings and funerals. Taking this to the next level is something called "extreme embalming," which requires preserving the deceased in a very personal and lifelike way. Rather than the traditional presentation of a body reclining in a casket, extreme embalming takes creativity to a whole new level. In this process, corpses are given more of an extra appearance. They look more camera- than coffin-ready. They may be posed in a way that represents their hobbies or other interests. For example, swinging a nine iron, sitting down to afternoon tea, or posing in a fishing boat as if they're about to make a big catch. Embalming doesn't stop the natural decaying of the body, it just slows it down. So in most cases, these sets are meant for display, often at the funeral for friends and family to pay their respects. Burial: Good ol' underground resting place, whether in a traditional coffin, a biodegradable one, or even a mausoleum. Here your body gets cozy with Mother Earth, but depending on the cemetery, don't get too comfortable! Because it turns out, "rest in peace" sometimes comes with a time limit. For example, in some cemeteries in Greece you are required to rent-a-grave, which would allot you the space for about three years and when your lease is up, you either renew or ya gotta move! Most American cemeteries promise eternal resting places, but in some countries, that's not a given. And with America being relatively young, who knows what the future holds? Sometimes even cemeteries go bankrupt! Most cemeteries are nonprofit. When they're filling up, it's their "working life," and when they're full, they're in retirement. States usually have a cash fund for perpetual care, keeping the place looking spiffy. But when a cemetery taps out and files for bankruptcy, it might end up deserted. Sometimes the community pitches in, but other times, graves might need a little relocation action. Let's talk about coffin versus casket, because while the same concept, they're definitely not the same. A coffin is hexagon-shaped and meant to reflect the shape of a human body. It's tapered at the head and foot, wider at the shoulders. Before the mid-twentieth century, it was generally your only option. But now it's gone out of fashion for the most part, possibly because it's too morose for most. Although it's now considered old-school, it is still an option today. A casket, on the other hand, is the smoother, more rectangular one you see in modern burials. They're usually built really beautifully and made of wood or metal, and some offer a mattress, pillow, blanket, and so on. However-you can go custom crazy and go out with a real bang. We're talking caskets shaped like motorcycles, race cars, airplanes, and so on. They can be decked out in your favorite hobby, sports team, or movie. Some have requested built-in sound systems to blast their favorite tunes on their way out. Possibilities! Are! Endless! Here's one thing to consider when it comes to caskets: exploding caskets. It's a thing. When a body decomposes with a sealed casket, it releases gases as part of the natural decomposition process. Over time, the gases can build up within the sealed casket, and in rare cases-they fucking explode. One more consideration: the runaway casket. Yes, sometimes caskets slide, slip, or take off down a hill! Madison has personal experience with this one: My beloved grandmother Frances passed away in hospice care on Christmas Day about twenty years ago. My family and I got an up-close and personal understanding of end-of-life care, but death was scary to me and a whole lot to process. We sat around her bed after she took her final breaths and watched as her wrinkles began to smooth out and a stillness took over. I, however, was not warned that a few days later I would be seeing her again wearing makeup and dressed in a fancy outfit in a big oak casket . . . which is when I was first introduced to the concept of a wake. Excerpted from Obitchuary: The Big Hot Book of Death by Spencer Henry, Madison Reyes All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.